{"id":590,"date":"2026-09-01T20:08:53","date_gmt":"2026-09-01T20:08:53","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.jayvanlandingham.com\/?page_id=590"},"modified":"2026-09-01T20:09:35","modified_gmt":"2026-09-01T20:09:35","slug":"finding-love-in-a-time-of-change","status":"publish","type":"page","link":"https:\/\/www.jayvanlandingham.com\/?page_id=590","title":{"rendered":"Finding Love in a Time of Change"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
\"\"<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

A literary fiction novelette about a transgender man (ftm), Lou, who reflects back on the first month of his transition. A story of what happens when a crush on a coworker leads to deeper self-reflection and an opportunity for deeper self-love.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Excerpt:<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

When I look back on the early days of my transition, I don\u2019t think about hormone replacement therapy. I don\u2019t think about surgeries or hormonal changes. I don\u2019t think about trans rights or politics. After a number of years in the game, I like to look back to the beginning and remember how I\u2019ve changed. I like to remember the uncertainty, the lack of confidence, and the heartbreak that got me where I am today\u2026<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

June 2022:<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

I’d been waiting on my friend Sam for ten minutes. He was always late, and I was always early. I hated waiting on others. For each moment that passed as I sat at this bar alone, my heart beat grew louder. Like it knew I was waiting, and it couldn\u2019t stand being alone in my chest.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The bar at which I sat was a half-circle of mahogany wood, a cold, hard friend on a Thursday night. A few feet down, the bartender was talking with a group of people, all of whom I assumed were cisgender. Tillie\u2019s was a well-known gay establishment in the heart of Northside. It irritated me that straight, cisgender people infiltrated \u201cgay\u201d spaces. It wasn’t that I had any issues with straight or cisgender people. By all definitions I was a straight man, after all. What I wanted to know was why no one had established a bar for transgender people. Maybe they had, but not here in Cincinnati. I loved our queer spaces but not all lesbians and gays accepted us, either. We had to carve out our community within the community. Find our little niche to call home. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

The door opened to expose the summer evening sunlight that hung along the brick buildings across the street, leaving a golden array of light that reminded me how alone I was. It was the type of evening sun that left me wanting someone to share it with. Someone to sit beside while watching it set. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Sam entered and approached me with an incriminating cringe on his face. He had this thick, full head of hair I envied. It was wavy and tempting, like that of Harry Styles, but with onyx eyes that anyone, even I, could get lost in. He was attractive in a non-traditional way, as I found most trans people to be. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cHey Lou, Lou what\u2019d ya do?\u201d Sam sang. He always had a way of turning my name into song lyrics. I found it endearing. \u201cSorry I\u2019m late,\u201d he said, taking the bar stool beside me.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cIf one of us is going to be late it may as well be you,\u201d  I replied, smiling. I picked up my black Russian and swirled it around. The melting ice cubes huddled together inside the glass. I had drunk most of the alcohol, down to a few last drops.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Sam waved to the bartender, asking what was  new on tap and ordering a local beer. When the bartender stepped away, Sam turned to me. \u201cDid you get my text?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cAbout the job?\u201d  I asked. I\u2019d been seeking new employment for a while now, and Sam had sent me some information about an open position at his agency, a non-profit that assisted adults with developmental disabilities. But the last thing I wanted was to work with more people. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

He nodded. The bartender returned with his drink. In the low light of the bar, Sam\u2019s five o\u2019clock shadow revealed itself a dark stranger I wanted to know. I had no facial hair. It was too soon to tell whether I\u2019d grow any.  <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cYeah, but it doesn\u2019t pay enough per hour,\u201d  I replied.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI get it,\u201d Sam said. We both went quiet. The television above the bar displayed music videos, the current one, \u201cBleeding Love\u201d by Leona Lewis. Victoria came to mind. She was the reason I had been seeking new employment. Working with her was torture. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Victoria was the supervising manager at my workplace, a marketing firm specializing in healthcare. I\u2019d worked there the last four years. She started four months ago. I was a supervisor alongside her, and we worked closely together. I was attracted to her the moment I saw her. She had shoulder-length black hair, shiny and straight and completely desirable. Her eyes were light hazel, the color of an amber ale. I was a stout guy at only five feet, and she stood about five foot three. She was adorable. Her energy was open, smooth, free, like an airy bird that would never land. We had great chemistry, but her sexual orientation was a question mark. She was single, but was she queer, or straight? You\u2019d think straight women were off-limits for a trans guy like me, but I was still early into my transition. I\u2019d only started testosterone one month ago. I still had my breasts and I had no interest in getting bottom surgery.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Much of the world would always see me as a woman.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cHow was your date?\u201d  I asked. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cIt was great until he opened his mouth about health and fitness and blah, blah,\u201d Sam replied.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWhat did he say?\u201d  I asked. I couldn\u2019t help but smile. Sam was a 32-year-old gay trans guy. He was round like a muffin and had these sad, dark eyes that pulled me in whenever he spoke. In all the years I\u2019d known Sam, he was consistently amusing. All my trans friends were the best friends I\u2019d ever known.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cHe started talking about his exercise routine, which he called a regimen<\/em>, and I think I might have cringed because he was like \u2018what?\u2019 and I had to cover my mouth.\u201d Sam laughed. \u201cHe\u2019s way too strict and cares way too much. Imagine dating someone like that.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I nodded. The group of cis straights got up and exited the bar. I could breathe again.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cAny strides with you?\u201d Sam asked. He took another sip of his drink, set it down on a napkin, and looked at me. His eyes looked into mine and I could tell I had his 100% undivided attention. The music video switched to \u201cHoly Ghost\u201d by Omah Lay.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI don\u2019t know anymore.\u201d  I shrugged, looking up at the video. \u201cVictoria and I were talking last week about relationships.\u201d I paused. Victoria was one of the first persons I told when I began transitioning. She had been affirming from day one. \u201cI don\u2019t remember how the conversation started, but she started it. I can\u2019t tell if she likes me or not.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cAw, yeah?\u201d Sam said. His voice dropped a level, as if he were sympathizing. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cSometimes I think I should just wait until I\u2019ve fully transitioned before I start dating again.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cThen you may as well never date.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

I glared at Sam. I knew where he was coming from.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cYou know transitioning could take years before you become who you want to be.\u201d He continued. \u201cYou can\u2019t put your life on hold.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cYeah, I know.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWhy don\u2019t you ask her out?\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cBecause we work together and I think it\u2019ll be super awkward.,\u201d I said. \u201cNot to mention I\u2019m not sure my boss would think too highly of it.\u201d <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cMan. . . You\u2019re coming up with every last excuse not to date, aren\u2019t you?\u201d Sam laughed and patted me on the shoulder. He took another swig of alcohol while I let out a deep exhale. He was right.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The music switched to a techno song by Miike Snow. I loved Miike Snow. The beats dropped into my chest as I gradually grew tired. Alcohol always did that to me. It wasn\u2019t even worth drinking anymore.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cI don\u2019t know if I\u2019ll ever find someone who will accept me,\u201d  I finally said and rested it there.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Sam did not reply. We sat in silence and watched the music videos pass by on the screen, the minutes falling into darkness. We sat until it was necessary to go home and sleep because we both had to work the next day.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When I left the bar that night I checked my phone for the first time in hours. There were no messages. The heat stopped the air from moving. The sun was on its way past the buildings behind me, where all the local businesses had closed down for the day. The sidewalks were empty and up above I could see no stars. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Download for 99 cents:<\/h2>\n\n\n\n

Download a PDF version of “Finding Love in a Time of Change”, and read the entire story right now. You can simply purchase a direct copy below, to support the author. No supporting Amazon or some other chunky corporation. Just supporting hard working authors bringing you their best work:<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\n
Download<\/a><\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

A literary fiction novelette about a transgender man (ftm), Lou, who reflects back on the first month of his transition. A story of what happens when a crush on a coworker leads to deeper self-reflection and an opportunity for deeper self-love. Excerpt: When I look back on the early days of my transition, I don\u2019t […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"parent":0,"menu_order":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","template":"","meta":{"om_disable_all_campaigns":false,"_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_uf_show_specific_survey":0,"_uf_disable_surveys":false,"footnotes":""},"class_list":["post-590","page","type-page","status-publish","hentry"],"aioseo_notices":[],"aioseo_head":"\n\t\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t\n\t\t